Deep wells of indecision
over deep dark mysterious veils
and yet I know I have been
there and seen it and cleaned
it up
over and over
on forgotten used up lovers
like lost change in darkened rooms
filled with the light of films and
empty sounds to find myself alone
all alone
deep within myself
and within that deep
my soul is lower in the depth
within my forgotten soul
I have forgotten
long ago the fear of being left
behind alone by
the age of youth I
looked overfed on my excellent façade
sculpted with chicken wire and nothingness
as I peered deep within my schooling
and shaping of my mask
the darkness into the blackness
of places I do not dare
go at night alone
unencumbered by ranting
and an eternity of raving
howling at the moon
I have once settled to keep
within the deep
my shame and fear and
loathing one’s self
w.e.Campbell – © 08/30/2010
Since you won’t admit to yourself
that you really want me,
how am I ever to know?
If you only would tell me
in some rhyme or verse,
confess to me the words
that we already know
about one another,
could we not share in
each other’s obsession?
And please don’t say
that we need a moment’s pause,
because we have tempted fate before
and we found out there
comes a longing when we
let distance separate us-
if this is true then why are we now
caught up in each other’s embrace?
Once again the moment
has comes back round
and I look for some
unspoken sign that you know
that the time will soon pass
on both of us.
w.e.Campbell – © 08/29/2010
My loneliness
comes seeping in over
the end of this day.
Like the deep tones
of a piano-
resonating low and
full of depth in my hollowness.
Open and exposed
are my pain and loss
that I feel naked and ashamed.
“Can you not hear me
scratching on the concrete?”
I am not unfamiliar
when it comes to this place,
just tired of the ebb
and flow of these moments
of sadness.
w.e.Campbell – © 07/25/2010
From the patio
of yesterday’s youth I came
following the familiar smell
of my mother’s meatloaf
late on this day in August.
Reeling from the heat of the desert sun
my memory recalls moments
that called me back to warmth and the
love we shared around mealtimes.
My mother smiling and father
doing his little dance when chopping onions
and I sat holding onto the breakfast nook
covered in the dirt of the afternoon,
salt sweat of Las Vegas weathered sun-
I was at home starving for dinner.
Could there be anything simpler than
of tomatoes and ground beef and
heartfelt warmth when cooked
together becomes a family?
A simple taste to this testimony
how my feelings have been
folded with other shared moments,
ingredients I can never forget,
like meatloaf and mealtime
that cover my lips
to this remembrance that was my family.
w.e.Campbell – © 07/17/2010
The idea of me having one coherent thought, from start to end, simply baffles me. I look around myself and watch other people navigate through their daily lives with such ease and then when I look at myself all I can see are crazy moments strung together by one thought after another. I find it hard to concentrate on one idea at a time. Were other people may be able to multitask and accomplish a hundred different tasks during the day, I’m lucky I can barely get up in the morning, make it out the door and get to work on time. Am I just complaining? Maybe there are more people like me and I give credit for. It comes to reason there should be more people like me because of all the self-help books, check out magazine articles about reclaiming your sex life, and the bombardment of a thousand infomercials on at three o’clock in the morning.
So, I have developed a small system to combat this problem that I have. To begin with it starts with a daily inventory. There are a certain amount of repetitive tasks that I do every day that I have made a checklist that I had made on my Apple itouch. So far that seems to work for me. After that I make a list of important events that need to be accomplished at day. I have three sets of calendar synced to my phone, phone, home computer, work computer, and Apple itouch that remind me of all the events that are happening. It seems I have to create a little work every day to keep track of all the work that I do every day.
Tags:
“So I want a quit fast food. You would think it would be an easy thing to do. And maybe it is or maybe it’s not and the more you think about it becomes something that I just don’t think I can do it… so I started on it and then by the time think that I am over and done with it and think well maybe I can and so if I can maybe… I can finally stop eating fast food.”
That is the first sentence I wrote using Dragon naturally speaking software. I wanted to talk about how I was going to quit eating at fast food restaurants. And that was the first sentence I came up with. The first time I tried using the software a couple years ago I did not get the kind of results I’m getting now. It didn’t work. For whatever reason I couldn’t get it to work. But now the software is working pretty well. That makes me happy!
As a matter of fact, the more I work at this, the better I’m becoming a getting my thoughts down on paper. As I’m talking right now, speaking into the microphone as I, I can actually think straight and put down what I’m actually thinking. I have to talk in such a way that it slows down how I’m speaking an in turn I’m able to be very clear in what I write.
So maybe now I will be able to do a blog. So many times in the past I have been unable to get my thoughts out fast enough to type them down. I’ve been given hope that I may able to leave a legacy that will truly be of my own thoughts, feelings, and words.
Today is truly a brand-new day for me!
Tags:
I like me,
I love me,
I think about me,
I watch me,
I touch me,
I want me,
I worship me,
I seek pleasure for me,
I lust for me,
I am in love with me,
I tease me,
I masturbate me,
I fuck me,
I use me,
I lie to me,
I hurt me,
I whip me,
I steal from you to give to me,
I betray me,
I sin against me,
I sell me,
I abuse me,
I enable me,
I talk about me,
I gossip about me,
I am selfish, self centered, superficial, and self serving,
I loathe me,
I hate me-
I forgive me.
w.e.Campbell – © 12/21/2009
I can’t sleep cause I have the heart of a Gypsy
that keeps me like the ever watchful moon
rising up every night away from the warmth
and safety of our wedded tomb.
Long days pass me like a locked away love
from the eclipse that brings new dreams
of freshly unexplored passions
cut for me by razor sharp moonbeams.
The new journeys I now yearn for
has me mounting up from this deep-freeze
led down paths known only by a roving heart
to be covered up to soon by the everlasting daises.
At last I howl -
to the fullest of the night’s watchful eye
as to answer his restless call with my own
like one lone wolf bound to another
escaping away once again to be all alone.
Friend to me none will be when I answer
the blood that pounds throughout my veins
left to find my way away from home
where I may lay down these weighted weathered chains.
w.e.Campbell – © 01/03/2010
Not too late is the night
with my dog lying
near me on the floor,
I wait for the loneliness to see me.
The slow moments waiting for
and the gnawing of the empty
that seeps in around the edges
of my door.
Experienced for the first time
as an infant and then
to cope with changes
of my middle age
I grew into this solitude
of being mortal.
There is loss and short-lived
separation but-
these are far better moments
to endure in this essence
of being human.
The wish to escape is perceived
and is pointless for the lonely
always gets me in the end.
w.e.Campbell – © 06/26/2010
you sit and stare
like the empty chair
with no memory of what you have done,
hemmed and hawed
from an awkward pause
you wait for my reaction,
your leg now gone
I’m set to move along
with no ties to your mistrust or illusions,
like the day
I went away
leaving you alone on this deserted plain,
then years from now
you will still wonder how
I never loved your empty chair.
w.e.Campbell – © 01/28/2010